Falling In Read online

  “But—?” Jake is looking at me with such intrigue, wondering where I’m going with this. I also see apprehension. He knows something big is coming, and he doesn’t push. He’s right. I know I probably shouldn’t trust him, but I do. I can’t explain it. I just feel safe around him.

  With a long sigh, I continue. “But Cole doesn’t see marriage like I do. His parents are the happiest couple I have ever known. I’ve never seen them fight. He hasn’t even seen them fight. They went on family vacations, got ice cream cones, and went to every baseball game Cole has ever played in. They never went a day without saying ‘I love you.’ They’re so caring and affectionate. Never once have they hurt each other or him. That’s what he believes marriage is. That’s all he knows. Sunshine and rainbows.”

  I watch Jake pick at his beer label, listening. He lifts the bottle to his lips and takes a long pull. My eyes instantly go to his mouth for the second time tonight. I can’t help it—it’s like a beacon, shining in my face, calling me to it. I slowly tear my gaze away from those perfect lips and catch him staring at me, an emotion in his eyes I can’t quite decipher. I shiver nonetheless. After another drink, finishing the bottle, he asks, “What do you think marriage is?”

  That is the million dollar question. “Disappointment. Dysfunction. Destruction.” Another deep breath. My therapist would be so proud. Here goes nothing. “Growing up, my life was the polar opposite of Cole’s. I think in the beginning it was different, better. Happy, maybe? I remember baking with my mom. Cookies, cakes, cupcakes, pies—anything and everything. She loved it. Always smelled sweet like sugar, with flour in her wild greying hair. We would listen to music as we mixed and rolled, then while whatever concoction was baking, we would dance in the kitchen. She liked oldies and folk. I still can’t listen to Bob Dylan without crying. I’ve tried for twenty years to remember more of her. But I can’t. All I remember is after. My dad loved her with everything. All of him. He lost himself in her. I honestly think I was born because she wanted to be a mom so badly. He just went along with it because he couldn’t deny her anything.

  “So when they got into a car accident and she didn’t make it, his whole world was over. I was six and I knew nothing would ever be the same again. There would be no more happiness in the house. No more baking. Dancing. Laughing. Love. It was all gone. It went with her.” I quickly swipe a stray tear. “They were coming home from some party. They both had more to drink than they thought. He missed a stop sign, and a pickup sideswiped the passenger side. She died on impact.” I look toward Jake, waiting for him to say something. Anything. People always do. Pity and sympathy. So many sorrys. But as I look into those green eyes that I’ve pictured about a dozen times a day since that first day, I don’t see pity. I see understanding. Empathy.

  Jake still says nothing. But then he nods, so I take that as my cue to continue. “After that night, my dad spent every waking moment drowning himself in a bottle of whiskey. He blamed himself sometimes. But mostly, he blamed me. They wouldn’t have needed to go out if I wasn’t there. Apparently, I was a selfish little bitch who took up all of their time and energy. At least that’s what he told me. He could barely look at me. I reminded him of her too much. Same honey brown curls and matching eyes. After the sympathy of our neighbors wore off, we were left alone. I had to learn to take care of myself. That’s when Cole came into my life. He saw this once lively girl become a lonely and lost version of herself. He became my protector. Still is. From then on out he was there.

  “But when he wasn’t physically there, that was when heaven turned into hell. As I got older, it just got worse. Alcohol wasn’t enough anymore. My father moved on to coke, meth, and heroine—anything for him to escape. But it was fucking with his mind. I looked so much like her. On really bad days, he thought I was her.”

  “What do you mean, he thought you were her?” Jake asks, moving closer to me, hands clenching into fists. He’s angry. Right then I know that he knows what I mean. I place my hand on his.

  “When I was fifteen, he started talking to me like I was her. Calling me by her name, saying things you would only say to your wife. I would just brush it off and remind him I wasn’t Marie. I was Evie. But as months wore on, it started progressing. Innocent words and touches weren’t so innocent anymore. Goodnight kisses became kisses you shouldn’t have with your daughter. I was so ashamed and disgusted. I didn’t tell anyone, especially Cole. I was worried about what he would think of me. What he would do.

  “For six months, my father never took it further than kissing and groping—until he did. I guess he got tired of me denying him. After he finished, the drug and alcohol-induced delusion cleared. He finally heard my pleading and begging, saw the sobs wracking my body. He realized what he had done. Realized I wasn’t his wife, but his little girl. He jumped off me and fell apart. I can still hear his voice in my head sometimes. His broken voice screaming ‘no’ over and over and over again.

  “I couldn’t lay there anymore. I couldn’t take it. I stole his keys and drove straight to Cole’s. Through tears, I told him everything. An hour and a half later, with a furious Cole hell bent on revenge, we went back to my house. Once I saw those flashing red and blue lights, I knew in my gut he was gone. He’d shot himself in the head. They found him in his closet, clutching a family picture of us from when I was around four. I keep that picture in my journal. Cole doesn’t know that. It’s the only picture I have of that life. When he brings up marriage, it’s like every single horrible memory comes flooding back, all at once. I feel like I’m drowning. I know me and Cole are practically married now. I realize this. I’m just fucking scared. I don’t want to lose myself any more than I already have. And that simple fucking piece of paper symbolizes all of the hurt and betrayal and disappointment that I was forced to live with because of my parents. It’s stupid and irrational, I know, but I can’t help it. I can’t get past it.”

  Jake jumps up off the steps and forcefully says, “No, Evangeline. It’s not stupid—it’s how you feel. And how you feel matters. It’s honest. I know loss. I know it well. But what you went through—fuck.”

  He’s pacing back and forth now. I can see the wheels turning in his head, trying to sort out his thoughts. Process them. Figure out what the hell to say to this broken girl. It’s a lot to effing take in. Then he stops, sits back down next to me, and a small grin appears on his face. “This wise woman said something to me recently that just stuck. She said, ‘I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, because sorrys don’t change a God damn thing.”

  I wipe my wet face, and through it all, I actually smile. A real smile.

  “I will tell you this, though. I know we barely know each other, but you blow me away. To live what you’ve lived through and still come out this strong woman and a hell of a mother—it’s—inspiring. You’re—”

  “Hey.”

  Cole.

  I turn away from Jake and see Cole lingering a good distance in front of us. Doubtful he heard anything. He looks so hesitant, surely wondering why our neighbor is sitting so close to his girl on his steps. I can’t help but to wish he had come back just a few moments later, wanting desperately to hear what Jake was going to say. I instantly feel guilty at the thought. I look to Jake, then Cole. Placing a forced smile on my face, I decide to lie. Lie to the one man I’ve never lied to in my entire life.

  Shit. Guess there’s a first time for everything.

  “Jake came over to see if me and the kids wanted to meet him and Ben for a play date tomorrow. I know you have a game, but I think the kids would love it.” Turning my attention back on Jake, I say, “So yeah, how about we meet you at the park down the street around 12:30? I’ll bring lunch for everyone!”

  Jake looks at me for a beat, sighs, and then puts a convincing smile on his face. Thank goddess.

  “Yeah, sounds good. See you tomorrow. Goodnight, guys.”

  Jake gets up from the steps and walks away. Feeling his eyes on me, I turn back to Cole. Without saying anything, in that o
ne look I know the fight is over. And I’ve won.

  For now.

  Chapter Five

  Evangeline

  I’m at Jake’s door. For what, I’m not entirely sure. I just know I need to see him. I need to look into those mint green eyes that have been camping out inside mind since that first day we met. He opens it before I even bring my hand up to knock. Yanking me inside the house and pinning me to the now closed door, he growls out, “I want you.”

  Desire has completely overtaken his eyes, setting my body on fire. My lower belly tightens, my pussy instantly wet and willing. Ready. “So take me,” I say breathlessly.

  I don’t want to fight this anymore. I don’t think I can. He crushes his lips against mine in a millisecond. His tongue invades my mouth, exploring deeply. Our tongues caressing one another. Our bodies are pressed up against each other, so tight we’re almost one. I can feel his hard erection against the top of my jeans. It’s begging to come out, to be inside me. And I want it. God, do I want it.

  He abruptly pulls away, our chests heaving and pulses racing like we just ran a 10K. His eyes are asking me if this is okay, if this is what I want. I answer his question by raising my tank top over my head and letting it fall from my fingertips, exposing my breasts. My nipples pebble from his penetrating stare. I slip my index fingers into the waistband of my skirt and panties, pulling them slowly down my legs. I stand there, against the door, baring my naked body for him. It’s humming with need.

  With hooded eyes, he leaves my face, traveling down my body inch by inch and then comes back up, meeting my anticipatory gaze. As we hold our stare, he peels his shirt off, dropping it next to mine. Then he unbuckles his jeans and steps out of them. No underwear. My eyes go wide at the sight of his cock. He’s so hard and big. I mean really, really big. My mouth waters and my breathing picks up. I have to touch him.

  I take a step towards him and wrap my small hands around his throbbing width. Gripping tightly, I move up to his head, palming the drops of pre-come that have escaped. I move down and back up, repeating the motion over and over until I hear Jake say, “Fuck, Evangeline. Stop or I’m going to come right now in that tiny little hand of yours!” I pause, and before I even pull my hand away, I’m lifted onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist. He backs me into the door. Looking at me like he can barely control himself, he gruffly orders, “Tell me, Evangeline. Tell me what you want.”

  “Fuck me, Jake. Right here. Fuck me hard and fast. Please. Now.” Oh God, if he isn’t in me right this second I’m gonna—

  “Fuck!”

  “Ahhh!”

  We scream out in unison as he enters me. I cringe slightly at the invasion of his enormous size. He stills for moment, noticing my discomfort. I take a deep breath, trying to adjust to him. As the pain subsides, I whisper, “Fuck me.”

  And he does. He pounds into me relentlessly, filling me up and hitting all the right buttons. I’ve never felt so good. Satisfied. My hands are on his sculpted shoulders as he licks and nips my neck, then moves to my mouth. I moan so loud, I don’t even recognize my voice.

  “God, I knew you would feel so damn good! I’m so close, baby. Are you ready?” Jake breathes out.

  Engrossed in the way he feels inside me, I can’t even muster a reply. I just moan. Loudly. He must take that as a yes because he readjusts me so I’m being held up with only his left arm. Snaking his right arm through our moving bodies, he puts his fingers on my swollen clit. With a few circular motions, I shatter into a millions pieces.

  My body is wracking with aftershocks of euphoria from my fast but mind-blowing orgasm and I scream out his name. Feeling my pussy tighten around his cock, he pumps twice more, than spills inside me. Resting our heads on each other’s shoulders, our breathing evens out. We both sigh. He lifts his head to me, but it’s not Jake’s face I’m staring at.

  It’s Cole’s.

  My eyes pop open, gasping for air as I shoot straight up in bed. Breathing erratically, my hands shake as if I’m going through withdrawals. Fuck.

  It was just a dream.

  I take a deep breath and rest my head between my legs. Shit, what was that? It felt so real. I can still feel his hands on me, feel him inside me. I close my eyes, trying to savor a moment that will never happen beyond my subconscious. The thought leaves me feeling uneasy and disappointed, and then I feel guilty because of it.

  I stare down at a sleeping Cole, wondering for the millionth time this week why I can’t just get Jake out of my damn head. I’m regretting making that play date with him today, but it was the first excuse I could come with. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see him. To hear his voice. To look into those mesmerizing green eyes. To see and hear him laugh. And all of that is why I should cancel. But I know the kids would love it. Effing kids. I can do this. It was just a stupid, earth-shattering, eyes-rolling-in-the-back-of-my-head dream. I glance over at the clock—5:00am. There is no way I can go back to sleep now, seriously anxious that I’ll dream about round two. I quietly move out of bed, grab my robe that’s hanging on the bathroom door and head downstairs. Tea—I need tea. Hopefully, it will calm my nerves.

  After I finish with the mundane task of filling my kettle with water, I hunch over with my elbows on the counter and wait. My mind takes me back to last night. I actually told Jake everything, revealed my deepest and darkest secret. I am so confused. Not because I told him, but because I’m not freaking out that I told him. It’s not exactly something I scream off the rooftops. I don’t know what it is about that man, but I just feel like I know him, and him me. There’s a pull, an unexplainable kinship between us. We’ve barely spoke, but I truly think he understands me. Gets me. I feel lighter, like maybe last night he took some of my pain away, ingesting it into himself.

  Is that crazy?

  It sounds insane in my head.

  The loud whistle from my kettle jostles me from my thoughts. I pour the water into my Keep Portland Weird mug, dip a bag of Chamomile inside, and head for the couch.

  As I stare out the window, I dive back into my scattered thoughts. I wonder what Cole would think about me telling Jake our history. Jesus, what am I talking about? He’d be livid. He wouldn’t understand, and I don’t blame him. Jake’s practically a stranger. Cole doesn’t feel what I feel. Obviously. I most definitely cannot tell him. I should probably tell Jake not to say anything, although I doubt he would. God, now I’m keeping secrets from Cole. Shit. My stomach is all tied up in knots. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I just know that for seven days, Jake has taken up a permanent residence in my mind and I don’t want him to leave. I have no idea what that means. Fuck.

  “Good morning, baby. You’re up early.” Cole comes down the stairs looking sleepy and sexy in loose fitting pajama bottoms and a bare chest. We didn’t talk much last night after he got back. Just went inside, up to our bedroom, and had incredible make-up sex. I smile at the memory. Then I remember why I’m up so damn early. My smile quickly disappears.

  “I had a bad dream. Couldn’t go back to sleep,” I half-lie. It was a very bad dream that was oh so good. He comes over to the couch and sits next to me with a cautious look on his face.

  “It wasn’t about last night, was it? About the fight? Shit, baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I was pestering you about it. I know how you feel. I get it, I do. Matt finally proposed to his girlfriend last weekend, and he seems so happy. It’s all he’s talked about. I just couldn’t get it out of my head. But I realized last night that I don’t need that to be happy. I am happy. I’ll be happy as long as I have you, with or without a ring.”

  He’s so convincing, I almost believe him. But I know him. I know he wants to feel what he’s saying, but deep down, he doesn’t. And that makes me feel so fucking guilty on so many levels. This wonderful, caring man is putting my needs before his, like always. And because I am a selfish coward, I go along with it.

  “It’s okay, babe. We’re okay. I
love you,” I say because I do. I love him so fucking much. And I wish I could give him what he wants but I just can’t. It doesn’t feel right. Setting down my tea on the table, I grab his neck and pull him into a kiss. Pushing all thoughts of Jake to the back of my mind, I deepen the kiss. I need to erase that dream. Need to take away this guilt that is slowly growing inside me every day.

  And have a feeling that it’s just going to get worse.

  Cole pulls away from me. “Hey, where’d you go? Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks with unease.

  “I’m here. I’m okay. Just make love to me, Cole. Please. I need you.” I reassure him with my words and plead with stormy eyes. He looks at me with so much love, it makes my heart pound and my body tremor. He softly pushes me down onto the couch, opens my legs, and situates himself between them. I can feel his hard erection through his pajama bottoms. He palms my cheek and looks directly into my eyes.

  “Evie, I love you so much. You’re my everything. I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” His eyes are searching mine for something. I don’t know what, but he looks so distressed. Like he thinks he’s losing me. Why would he think that?

  “Shhh, Cole, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He must see the sincerity in my eyes, hear it in my voice, because his once worried blue eyes turn grey with desire.

  He takes his hand from my cheek and slowly moves down the center of my chest to the belt of my robe. He unties and opens the soft cotton barrier, revealing my naked body. He growls in response. Looking at me appreciatively, stretch marks and all, he dips his tongue into my belly button. I moan at the contact. He swirls it around before licking a trail up to my needy breasts. He licks my left nipple, lathering it with his wet tongue, then blows on it. The warm air makes it hard. He sticks the nipple in his mouth, sucking and nibbling, then moves onto the right breast, repeating his torture. I buck my hips, grinding against his hard cock, squirming and moaning. I’m ready to combust before he’s even inside me. “Cole, please, I need you inside me.” I beg breathlessly.